and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
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I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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