I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
love makes seman taste better
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
