I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
