my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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