i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
