so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
