OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
