Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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