I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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