Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We had to coat check the pizza.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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