We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
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I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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