Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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