Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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