I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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