Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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