I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
