Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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