guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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