i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Oh god it's open bar.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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