just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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