By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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