He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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