how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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