i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
