I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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