Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
