Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
