I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
