literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sacagawea was the original milf.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He felt like a one man threesome
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
