Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
