Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
