ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
