Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
