there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
