Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
