I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
