Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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