Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
