when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
