Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
