My friends, they love my intelligence
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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