i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
