Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow