hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.