In America we eat man semen.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
