Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
