I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
