she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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