why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
