you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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