omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
