Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Vodka?
Forever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
