Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Enjoy the penises
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
