I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
