Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
