If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
