I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
