I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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