I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize
