you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
