then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
