i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
