I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
